What happens when your partner is Splinter Cell
by ApolloIV
Summary: Online co-op in Chaos Theory is the best part of the game, but what happens when you get some strange and crappy partners. NO FLAMES this time at least.
1. What happens when your partner is an idi

Time to go back to a place in your mind where you never want to be found. Time to venture into the retarded zone.

This is my new franchise so don't be too harsh. I know that splinter cell has just been opened so here's my way to soil a kind hearted series about killing people without anyone knowing. We all know that Chaos Theory has online co-op and it's fun until you get a partner that sucks or is just too odd for his own good. That is the premise of this story welcome to what happens when your partner is… Splinter Cell Chaos Theory.

Chapter one, What happens when your partner is a noob.

Two of the world's best agents have been sent to infiltrate a Russian nuclear power plant, this was our last recorded log from Agent Iplaywithmyself54 and agent Jim.

The two crepe out from a corner to find a guard taking a brief nap.

"I got him!" Iplay54 shouted over the headset forgetting that the game has sensitive audio.

"What the?" The guard got up and was shot in the leg by Jimmy who then stabbed the guard.

"Try not to be so loud next time." Jim whispered as he began to pick a lock.

"That looks funny." Iplay54 laughed.

"Shut up." Jim unlocked the door and found the first of three computer terminals that would open up a security door if solved correctly. Iplay54 then shot a random bullet a Jim who was killed. I play54 tried to hack the computer and only set the security off. Iplay54 revived Jim and began to run into a dark corner.

"You shot me, you little bastard!" Jim shouted giving away his position. Two guards walked in the room and Jim was shot down. Iplay54 threw a grenade over his head barley killing the guards but now the whole place knew they were there.

"Guard the door while I hack the computer and then we will make a break for the vent shaft." Jim looked into the screen of the wireless computer as he began to hack the main frame. After decoding the hard drive he took the access code and hacked the security cameras. The computer happened to have a DSL connection and went to view some "adult" sites. After five minutes Iplay54 caught on and went over there to look and started to you know. Iplay54 was then shot in the head and Jim took out his M16 and took out the guard with two shots to the chest. He went over to Iplay54 and revived him.

"I want to be Tommy Vervcetiy and you can be… Lance!" Iplay54 felt like role playing GTA Vice City.

"No, the last time I did that I ended up naked in the boy's locker room with a sore butt now if you want to be mister hot shot be my guest just stay out of my way." Jim hopped on Iplay54's shoulders and opened the ventilation shaft. Iplay54 made a fart nose blaming it on Jim.

"Dude that stunk worse than my dog's fart." Iplay54 four laughed and pitched a smoke grenade to really make it look like Jim farted.

"I really hate you." Jim was about to jump in when Iplay54 was shot and killed because the smoke gave him away. Jim dropped to the floor and took out his M16. "Say hello to my little friend, oh wait I'm…" Jim was shot before he got to finish his sentence. The screen turned black and read

MISSION OVER

End of transmission one. I know it was short and so will most of the chapters. The characters will change per-chapter so it will get better if this sucks. If it is beyond help I'll stick with YVG.


	2. What happens when your partner is Eric C...

Let's go back the retarded zone. I know that you die, if you try to flame me.

More Splinter Cell Yah! Maybe you all will suffer under my insanity! So here it is due to unpopular demand, Chapter 2

Chapter2, what happens when your partner is Eric Cartmen from South Park.

Two of the worlds… oh screw this I said it lasts chapter so on with my life, I need to smoke.

In this mission Agent Steve and Agent cheesy Puff man23 must go retrieve a secret code for an atom bomb from Mexico during the day of the dead. It will be hard to stay hidden from the light during the fireworks while finding agent Kenny.

The two entered the door to the office where the bomb was being held. They took a DCS and took out the camera so Cheesy Puff23 opened the door and turned on Mexican Music.

"You idiot, now they know that are here." Steve shot the patrolman in the head killing him and he took him to the dark corner.

"You stupid hippie!" Cartmen turned off the music as they lifted each other into air vent. They moved silently down the corridor until Cheesy Puff23 saw another patrolman in the hall. "Watch this." He instructed Steve as he lowered himself and broke the man's neck.

"Dude he was just doing his job and you kill him, you freak." Steve just kept crawling.

"That's what you get taking our jobs you stupid Mexican." Cheesy Man23 complained. Steve turned around and shot him in the head killing Cheesy Man23.

"I'm Mexican you punk." Steve revived cheesy man23.

"Jesus Christ man who put a stick in our butt?" Then Steve shot him again.

"That's what's you get for using our lord's name in vain." Just before he could finish they found Kenny. Steve opened his vent and dropped in ontop of the guard watching him.

"Nighty night you stupid hippie." Cheesy man23 shouted waking up the guard to his left that shot Kenny on instinct. "Oh my God, you killed Kenny."

"You bastards!" Cheesy man shouted. He pulled out his M16 and killed the guard and threw him into the vent. They took a picture of the dead agent and sent it to Fisher.

"Well good job you assholes what are going to do now?" He was angry but at the same time pleased that they were alive. "Now I guess you're going to open the terminal so here is the code, Dog." He snickered.

"Dog who makes this crap up?" Steve slowly walked in the bathroom and found a guard taking a pee. He grabbed the guy by the neck and the man's pee hit Cheesy Man23.

"Oh man I hate gay man pee." Again Steve hit him with a knife. "Holy God, what the hell was that for?"

"This isn't a bashing segment so STFU and open that door."

"Umm, are you going to kill me or you going to talk to me and put me to sleep." The man complained. Cheesy man23 shot him in the chest and he guy died. He took the body and put it in the toilet and flushed it.

"Now do you know how it feels?" Cheesy man looked at the man's bleeding head and left him. They both walked in to a room with a computer terminal and three guards. They all had shotguns and grenades.

"That must be the room." Steve thought to himself as he took out a flash grenade. He chucked it across the room and it stunned the guards. They both pulled out their M16s and took out the three guards with a few bullets. Steve walked to the terminal and went through a few files: Money, Money quick, I did this women, Mother's day, and Nuclear Bomb plans. He clicked on the plans and was asked the password. Dog he typed and laughed. The plans were erased and he went to Photo shop and turned the two pictures of the naked chick the dude did and his mom. Now it was time to leave.

"Good I will send a chopper out for you so wait." Fisher instructed. Cheesy man23 opened the window and was hit with a rocket.

"Sorry!" A man called out of the window and he heard another rocket hit the Helicopter and it blew up. "I'll pay for that, I promise."

Mission End


	3. Partner: Anime freak

Insanity time! Okay it is back with a rash!

Disclaimer, I don't own anybody or anything in the SP universe. I did make up the gamer tag and used my own later. BTW a COS player is one that puts on customs to imitate their favorite characters. I had this idea way before Xplay so SCREW YOU XPLAY! It was originally for doom3 but who says it is dead?

Chapter3, What happens when your partner is a COS. Player.

We now return to the worlds stealthiest not-Splinter Cells.

Then why did we hire them?

Cause we can't afford anyone else.

Not even Fisher?

Fisher? Fuck that dude he has the crabs.

Really?

Yes!

So why didn't we hire him?

Cause we are racists towards to people with AIDS, Gays, Lesbians, blacks and most importantly Mexicans.

So basically we are like the Christian mothers of America?

Yes, only we don't care about violence in video games.

Good point, now do your job.

Okay.

"Last recorded message between an announcer voice and President Gorge W Bushwhack. Oh and this one."

Two of the worlds best unofficial agents now are in Russia where they must find a missing author and report back to The Office of Racists People, oh I mean Congress. You know what this job sucks and doesn't pay enough, G4 please take me back.

This mission follows special agent Steven and special agent INU21. Also refereed as Jim in this story.

Steve slowly crawled down the pole as two guards walked past him, "Um Bio GOD!" As Steve recalls that means, "Oh my God!" in Russian.  
"Jim I need back up." Steve called as Jim fell on top of him. "Dumb son of a bitch!" Steve called out as he shot one of the guards before his partner knocked him out and shot the other two in the head with the M 16.

"Are you okay?" Jim asked as Steve got up and dragged the two bodies and put them in a corner. "They are a little randy don't you think?" Jim asked as one was on the other's lap.

"Dude, that's totally sick." Steve then hit the guard on top and he got into doggy style position. "Holy Hell!" He then hit them again and then his head was on the man's crotch. "Screw it, come on we can take the elevator without hitting the guards." Steve then got in the elevator but Jim just stood there. "What is it?"

"I'm a Super Sayin I can fly!" He said proudly as he made the sound like something dying in a meat grinder but to him it sounded like he was powering up.

"No you're not now get your ass in here." Steve then got out and threw him in there and the elevator left. "Son of a dirty anime BITCH!" he shouted as Jim then rolled out of no where to the ledge of the building and crawled onto the ledge where Steve was.

"I told you I was a sayin! I am the prince of Sayins!" He shouted profusely.

"Will shut up with the Damn Anime shit? That show was the dumbest piece of crap ever invented." Steve called the elevator again. When it came down this time Jim shot Steve in the back of the head and rode the elevator up. Again he rolled out of nowhere to revive Steve.

"Please stop that." Steve got back up and called the elevator again.

"Stop what?" Jim asked like he didn't do anything.

"You know damn strait what the hell you did." He pouted as they both got in the elevator and rode it up to the next floor. Jim then hit Steve in the head starting a fistfight. Steve started to hit-and-roll making Jim mad. "Oh can't touch this." He sang then Jim took out his silenced pistol and capped him in the knee. "OUCH! What the hell was that man? You shot me in my knee, it was a fist fight." He complained as Jim healed him with magic floating medical pack.

"Okay the kid is in the room on the far left so check for trip wire beams." They put on their thermal vision goggles and Jim put his mask over his eyes.

"I'm little Slugger!" He announced. Steve just looked at him and shook his head.

"Stay here, keep guard while I grab the kid." Steve made some slick maneuvers to get over the trip wires as he opened the door he found the kid. He was wearing a TO Jersey as he sat playing GTA San Andreas.

"I need to make a co-op story for this one two." He talked to himself. Steve then knocked him out and took him to the hallway. All of a sudden his chat device was filled with clutter.

"Steve our commander is here and he isn't to happy." Jim talked through the headset.

"Hold on I'll be there in a few minutes." He quickly grabbed the boy and jumped over the trip beams and went to the hallway. There was Sam Fisher holding a magnum at Jim.

"Now which one of you got me fired by saying I have crabs?" Sam pointed the gun at the two.

"He did!" Jim pointed at Steve as he got shot in the groin by the magnum and fell over dead. Sam then licked his hand and gave Jim a high five.

"Now you have Crabs!" He said merely as he jumped down the elevator shaft hitting the floor and dying. They called the elevator up and rode it down to the drop zone.

"I finally had a partner that actually made it through a mission!" Steve shouted as they walked neat the lift zone but they got a bus piloted by the Christian mothers of America colt, I mean organization.

"Now who's the racists?" Ten women asked as Jim threw grenade. The explosion made their bodies fly in a patriotic flare.

"Did you really need to kill them?" Steve asked.

"Well yes, that was Fooly cooly!" He referenced another anime. Then the drop ship came down and picked up the two.

Mission complete for once.

So what did you think of the adventures of Steve so far. I know there is one person that has read this and has not reviewed, not to mention put it under your favorites so reviews much appreciated.


	4. partner: Crazy Drug addict Hippie

Sir-dik-dik follower of the beef

Online

BardWesker

Okay my fans I'm sorry that I have been putting chapters out like crazy but I feel like writing lately. So back by extremely popular demand more adventures by Steve and this time with the character from GTA San Andreas, The Truth. Also kids, I make drugs funny; they really aren't unless a crazy hippie takes them.

Chapter4, What happens when your partner is a drug addict hippie

We now return you to the log of Steve AKA tight ass and the new agent, The Truth.  
What happened to the other one?

He died of a seizer from all that anime.

Fisher?

Again, that dude has the crabs and he jumped off an elevator… so he isn't alive.

What about zombie Fisher?

Loud gunshot of a magnum kills the president.

Another log between a wanted announcer voice and the X-president.

This is a simple but risky mission. Truth and Steve must rob an Iraqi bank of ten million dollars. We also believe that the bank also has three tons of weed, but we will let are NARC squad get that. Now let us watch our slaves…I mean agents.

Steve and the truth both made it into the building unseen when they met each other.

"You must be my partner Steve, you send out a good vibe my brother." The truth shook his hand with a roll of weed in the other.

"Hey put that up, they'll find us." Steve warned his partner.

"Man, you need to take a puff of this stuff, it's the best." He then put it out and threw it away. "A shame really it could actually been of use. Now don't we have a log of what we are suppose to do?" He asked playing with his headlights. "Magic!" he shouted and a guard came around the corner.

"Shoot!" Steve called out to him over the COM link.

"Are you crazy? The last thing I shot was ACID. Although I know a guy that sniffed the stuff. He thought his fingers were dogs and his nose the moon! Whyhoo!" He then sneaked around the guard and made him sniff 'fairy dust' making him dizzy. He then passed out and the Truth took the silenced pistol ammo and began to walk towards Steve.

"That was…skillful." Steve shrugged his shoulders as they began to make their way down the dimly light hallway.

"I respect people here, being one with mother…FUCKERS!" He walked into the next room it was a tall garage filled with gas burning vehicles. Their was one van that looked like a sixties riot vehicle. "So this is where the bastards took the Mothership."

"The Mothership? Isn't that a space ship." Steve asked.

"I enjoy your interest in the stars but if I told you any more in a mouth you would have an anal probe up your ass." He then skill fully walked across the balance beam to the bank area. Now that they were in the back half of the office they also could check for illegal drugs. Steve walked over to one of the sports vehicles and admired it.

"So this how you repay mother earth by killing off her own products." He began to lecture him.

"Man you're the damn hypocrite. "You want to save our trees but you turn around and burn our bush!" Steve exclaimed.

"You're totally ruining my vibe, chill!" The Truth whined as he went across the tall manufacturing buildings. "This reminds me of the time I went to Oze Fest and got in a fight over a parking spot. I said lady if you just want the parking space just…" He then fell of the ramp and on to his neck. Steve winced as the loud cracking sound filled the room and realized that he couldn't get to him. He walked on and then he heard a shout.

"Sorry I didn't here you, I had the COM running with the drug…I mean mission info." He popped his neck back into place and ran through the door. "You get the money I will met you down here in the mother ship." He then ran off out of view.

"How the hell did you do that?" He asked.

"Really strong stuff they grow around here." The Truth coughed out of control.

Steve then went to the next room. It was filled with trip beams and a guard sleeping at the end of the hall. Steve jumped the wires and started to crawl through the other three making his body bend in ways you might see in a circus. Steve got over to the guard and took out his knife and put it up to his neck. He moved around a little bit making it look like they were dancing. "My you're a fine dancer." Steve said to his captive, "Now tell me the password," He smirked.

"I don't speak fluid English so I have no clue what you're saying so please don't shoot me with your silenced pistol." He begged even though he was born in California.

"Come on do you really think I believe that?" He asked with the knife really close to his neck.

"Benuo!" He shouted thinking he said 'what'.

"You dumbass, that's the wrong word." He then slit the guy's throat and threw him down. Steve then went over to the door.

"What's the password?" The door asked like the one from Wizard of Oz.

"Is it open up or I'll show you what I did to your mama." Holds up a picture of a screw going in a door hinge.

"I really hate you." The door opened and in there was a vault with fifty million dollars. He walked over there and opened it up. Hey I thought the thing said ten million dollars? Then again I'm not getting paid for this mission so I'm sure they won't miss forty million. He then walked out of the room and saw two guards. They were both middle aged and bald. One was Osama Bin Dead and the other was Wacko Jacko.

"So if you give me three little children I give you Never Never Land ranch for nuclear bombs? Deal!" The weird Wacko did the moonwalk and gave Osama Bin Dead the keys to his ranch. Steve didn't like these people so he magically found an RPG and shot it. Their bodies blew up to little pieces. Wacko Jacko did melt from all the plastic he was made out of. Now he got into the vault room and picked the lock. The door popped open and inside was a letter not a brief case.

"Now you're fucked." Underneath was a detonation key that had ten minutes.

"Steve, get down to mother ship, you drive." Steve quickly took ten dollars from what was in there and jumped down the ledge to another ledge. The next window he about to cross had some guards in their watching the high class British porno

"Shall we make sexual intercourse?" A British porn actor asked a scantly dressed woman. "No maybe later." She replied.

Steve made his way down a drainpipe on the side of a building making his rubber very uncomfortable to be in. "So this is how it feels to be a condom?" He asked himself. He then saw the mother Ship and The Truth on his head meditating. "What the hell are you waiting for?" He asked. The Truth pointed to the back door.

"Close it for me would you?" He meditated. Steve walked over there to find the entire weed harvested and in the back of the van.

"Oh my sweet God, there must be at least two tons of the stuff in here." He stuttered.

"Threeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." He meditated. He then got up in the passenger side and told Steve to drive. Steve got in looking like he failed the mission, which he did.

"So did you get the money?" Truth asked his partner.

"No, only ten dollars and a bomb that should blow up the building in a few minutes." He sighed and then it hit him. "How much is that weed worth?" He asked.

"I say about ten million dollars." He started to look at it like a kid in a candy store. Steve then got his COM out and got a hold of the main base.

"Sir we have ten million in the green stuff. We are currently in a van called the mother ship…" His Com was then cut off.

"We will…be…there in a few minutes." The leader told them.

Mission complete…or is it?

"Do you remember what I said about meddling in these type of things?" The Truth told him. Then Steve felt something go up his ass; it was an anal probe. "Sorry but I need this stuff more than this country does so tell Uncle Sam F you!" He then shot Steve in the head with the M16 and kicked him out of the car.

Mission over.

So there you go, end of another chapter of Steve's online adventures. Next time will be very perverted!

To the reviewers!

Mark20, Thank very much I hope you find this one just as good.

Alice The Raven, yes mission over kid. Why didn't you read the new Avatar Rising.

Seda, REVIEW!

Masterbeef, Huge me? I'm a dude and you say you're a dude. Thanks for saying that's better than the last. I do hope to pump blood in Yellow VS Green2 soon.

FighterX, sorry for not mentioning you earlier. I did get the tickets and you rock 2.

Gringo Kitty, Fisher, happy.

To everyone else I please R&R cause I had twenty-three hits on this chapter and only a forth of them were reviewed.


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